Swain 2020

MY 90-DAY PROGRAM
If Boris and Natasha manage to get me elected president, the following is my 90-day plan for abolishing the United States and unraveling the global system of command and control, liberating all of us to live our lives in freedom from tyranny and oppression.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2021. DAY ONE.

1000 hours. Swearing in ceremony. Hoping to have Rage Against the Machine play live.

1200 hours. Enter Oval Office and sign Executive Orders for the following:

–legalizing my own assassination if I remain in office more than 90 days;

–suspending ALL foreign aid;

–suspending ALL bloc grants to states;

–authorizing a Reparations Commission to (1) identify all descendants of slavery in U.S. and to (2) determine what they are owed in monetary compensation for unpaid forced labor of ancestors;

–authorizing a Reparations Commission to (1) identify all descendants of Native American tribes in U.S. and to (2) determine what they are owed in monetary compensation for theft of land from ancestors;

–decommissioning nuclear arsenal unilaterally and authorizing the dismantling of all warheads;

–ordering the acting chair of the Federal Reserve to maximize the printing of cash money;

–ordering resignation of the following cabinet members and maintaining permanent vacancies of their offices: Secretary of State, Secretary of Treasury, Secretary of Defense, Secretary of Interior, Secretary of Agriculture, Secretary of Commerce, Secretary of Labor, Secretary of Health and Human Services, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Secretary of Transportation, Secretary of Energy, Secretary of Education, Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, Secretary of Homeland Security, and the Attorney General;

–ordering resignation of the following Whitehouse staff and maintaining permanent vacancies of their offices:
Counselor to the President, Physician to the President, Director of National Intelligence, Chief of Staff and all assistants, Counsel to the President, Whitehouse Press Secretary, National Security Advisor and all assistants, Staff Secretary, Communications Director, Domestic Policy Director, Economic Policy Director, Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Director, Legislative Affairs Director, Presidential Personnel Director, Speechwriter for the President, Chief of Staff for the Vice-President; Chief of Staff for the First Lady; Whitehouse Social Secretary, and Press Secretary for the First Lady;

–ordering the detention of all U.S. Supreme Court Justices and members of Congress on suspicion of treason.

1300 hours. Begin phone calls to governors of all 50 states, explaining to them how incredibly and permanently fucked they are.

1830 hours. Order pizza and watch nightly news report stock market crash.

2000 hours. Watch Survivor.

2100 hours. Begin phone calls to heads of state of all foreign nations, explaining to them how incredibly and permanently fucked they are.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2021. DAY TWO.

0530 hours. Wake up. Work out. Shower. Eat breakfast.

0800 hours. Enter Oval Office. Sign Executive Orders for the following:

–launching conventional airstrike on Hoover Dam;

–recalling all U.S. troops from overseas and authorizing destruction of all bases outside U.S. borders;

–ordering the federal reserve to begin air drops of cash over major urban centers;

–plowing down all border fences and releasing all detainees from federal detention facilities, with exception to Supreme Court and Congress;

–issuing pardons to national prisoner population, with exception to Supreme Court and Congress.

1200 hours. Order lunch.

1300 hours. Press conference to explain to the people of the U.S. and the world how the collapse of swivelization will proceed.

1830 hours. Watch news.

2000 hours. Watch football. If it’s still happening.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2021. DAY THREE.

0530 hours. Wake up. Work out. Shower. Eat breakfast.

0800 hours. Enter Oval Office. Sign Executive Orders for the following:

–requiring an inventory of all military hardware, equipment, weapons, and material, including estimated value, to be turned over to Reparations Commissions not later than 17 March 2021;

–declaring every day of the year a national holiday;

–directing nuclear engineers to begin process of powering down all nuclear power plants;

–with exception to military personnel inventorying military equipment, the Reparations Commissions, the engineers disassembling nukes, agents holding the Supreme Court and Congress in detention, and nuclear engineers powering down power plants, the firing of all employees of: the Department of State, the Department of Treasury, the Department of Defense, the Department of Interior, the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, the Department of Labor, the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Housing and Urban Development, the Department of Transportation, the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, the Department of Veterans’ Affairs, the Department of Homeland Security, and the Department of Justice.

1300 hours. Order pizza. If anyone still delivers.

1400 hours. Begin phone calls to Native American tribal representatives to arrange for transition of ownership of lands of the U.S.
1830 hours. Watch news. If it’s still happening.
1900 hours. Pack go-bag with weapons and ammunition for impending trip.
2000 hours. Play videogames because Friday night television is total shit.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2021. DAY FOUR.

0530 hours. Wake up. Work out. Shower. Eat breakfast.

0800 hours. On the road with security contingent from Army of the 12 Monkeys as personal protection from hierarch terrorists. Fifty-state motorcycle farewell tour. Rallies in all 50 capitals to persuade citizens to burn down statehouses and return to semi-nomadic hunter-gathering.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2021. DAY FIFTY-SEVEN.

0800 hours. Return to Whitehouse. Accept inventory from U.S. military and hand it over to Reparations Commissions (RepComs). Give RepComs deadline of April 16, 2021 to determine the division and dissemination of all military possession and U.S. land to those entitled to reparations.

FRIDAY, APRIL 16, 2021. DAY EIGHTY-SEVEN.

0530 hours. Wake up. Work out. Shower. Eat breakfast.

0800 hours. Enter Oval Office. Oversee the transition of land and weaponry to Native Americans and descendants of slaves.

2000 hours. Give televised address announcing abolition of the United States of America. Douse Oval Office with gasoline. Light match. Announce formal resignation. Leave. Attend party where everyone roasts marshmallows in flames. Hope Rage Against the Machine is available as house band.

MONDAY, APRIL 19, 2021. DAY NINETY.

0530 hours. Wake up. Work out. Shower Light fire to cook breakfast. Eat breakfast. Join my tribe in hunting and foraging.